Short or Long?

I am tired this morning so this will be short.

I just want to tell everyone who has posted lately that I have tried to comment on all your blogs but my computer is not letting my comments go through. It keeps saying that there are "visual images" that I have to write but doesn't show the letters it wants me to reproduce. It's frustrating but at least I have gained some confidence on the computer compared to what it was like when I first started blogging.

I finally had a "slip" in my CEA-HOW program which means I didn't stay abstinent one day. The good news is that I was able to get right back on the program and didn't go on a binge or give up completely. The fact that I call my sponsor every day and go over my food with her helped me keep it in perspective.

I have been feeling very squirrely for the last week and a half as I was going over my character defects one at a time and writing about them. I noticed after doing this for 5 or 6 days that I was beginning to have very negative thoughts about myself, something I haven't struggled with for several years now. I finally saw the connection between doing my forth step (inventory of my character defects) and the negative thoughts. I talked it over with Joe and my sponsor (Carletta is her name) and decided it wasn't good for me to go about the inventory the way I was doing it, so I quit. I'm still having the negative thoughts. My sponsor said today that it was a form of pride - right - low end pride. I forgot about that. It has helped to be reminded. Anyway that's what lead to the slip.

We have gotten in to a discussion about how beating up on myself is a counterproductive way of dealing with guilt. There is a whole lot more to this discussion that I am writing about in my 12 Step journal so I won't repeat it all here. Suffice it to say that I still have a lot to learn about how guilt relates to humility and accepting myself as human/mortal and loving myself anyway.

This is shorter than my previous posts but is still longer than I had planned to write. More later.

As Ever,

Mither

3:25 a.m. - Can't Sleep, Again

I have spent several hours in the dark, trying to go to sleep to no avail. At least, by getting up I can be productive by writing something about the past day.

I have been having symptoms of some kind of medical problem and today (yesterday, actually) I ended up in the emergency room at the hospital to get it checked out. I have been having mornings when I get up at 5:00 only to be so extremely tired that I can barely function. I can hardly keep my eyes open, I can't focus my thoughts, I feel disoriented. I can't carry on a normal conversation. My tongue feel as if it is an inch thick and my speech is slurred. I felt as if I had been given some sort of strong sleeping pill and can't snap out of it.

This happened occasionally at first and then with increasing frequency until this last weekend when it occurred Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Finally I called Dr Brown and when it told them the symptoms, they told me to go to the emergency room. I was in no shape to drive so I asked Stacey if she could drive me there and Joe would come and pick me up after they were through with me.

At the hospital they took me right back and ran several tests of my blood, etc. They even did a "Cat scan" but found nothing conclusive. The Doctor came in my room and talked to me about my medicines and suggested that there were two that could give me the symptoms I described. The main one he seem to think was the problem was Ambien, a strong sleeping pill that I have been taking for 12 years.

He suggested I try taking only half the dosage to see if the symptoms continued. When I talked to Janice and Emilee later in the day they said that maybe since I've lost so much weight the dosage is too high. So we cut down to 5 mg tonight and that may be why I can't get to sleep. I am going to try this for 4 days to see what happens. I hope I don't have a major flare up of fibromyalgia as a result as has happened the last two times I tried to go off.

So.... what else is new?

Well, I get to weigh myself on Wednesday. I am really looking forward to that. It's exciting to see how much I've lost each month.

Also, I've arranged to go on the radio on KSRR 1400 AM on the 27th of the month to talk about CEA-HOW and get the message out that we have a program, based on the 12 steps of
Alcoholics Anonymous that is wildly successful in losing weight, doesn't cost any money, and is the healthiest diet you could imagine. Also there is a marvelously strong support system to encourage you on in your efforts to lose weight or to gain it if you happen to be anorexic. It's for people who have any type of eating disorder

I am a little nervous about doing it for fear the symptoms of whatever is going on in my health might happen on the day I am supposed to go on the air. I have decided to ask one of the other people in our group to be ready to stand in for me if needed.

I'd really like to be the one to do it though because there are only three members of our group who have several years doing various 12 step programs and would be able to talk of how it works. I already asked one of them to do it but she is going to be out of town and I haven't yet reached the other one.

Anyway, I have been praying about this and am sure it will work out the best way. It cost me $125.00 and I am hopping to be reimbursed by the group donations, but if not it will still be worth it to me. I am willing to go to any length to do the 12th step which is sharing the message of recovery from compulsive eating to all who may want to try it.

My mission continues to go well. I am learning some of the things on the computer that would help me in dealing with a candidate but am still far from being able to do it by myself. I don't know if I will be able to do it before my mission ends on December 6th.

I am trying to reestablish the habit of getting up at 5:00 in the morning again but am finding it much harder than when I first started a year ago in August. I think once we get my sleep and feeling drugged problems worked out that it might be a little easier. We'll have to see.

Emilee is having her baby induced on Thursday. I am so happy for her. I am hoping to be of some help to her as she works herself into a routine after the baby is born. I don't think I mentioned that Adam and Stacey's baby girl, Savanna Grace was born last month. I have been able to help her out but only a few times so far. She hardly ever asks. Stacey, if you're reading this, I hope you'll feel better about asking and will do it more often. I may have to say no occasionally but don't let that stop you. I'd love to serve you in whatever way I can. Call on me.

Michelle is also expecting a baby in December. All three are having little girls. That is, Michelle's doctor thinks she is having a girl. They weren't certain but that's what they thought they saw when she had the ultra-sound.

Well that's all for now.

Loves to all,

Mither

Haven't written forever....sorry

My blog has been tied up for about 5 or 6 weeks now so I haven't been able to post anything nor have I been able to comment on anyone else's blog. Just so you'd know that I just didn't love you all anymore.... I am up at midnight again. Can't sleep and the Ambien is worthless. My nights and days have been mixed-up for a couple of weeks now making me unbelievably sleepy when I should go to church or to my mission. I am barely able to keep my eyes open long enough to call my sponsor or receive my sponsee's calls. Half the time I sound drunk, my tongue feels about an inch thick and I am barely coherent. I wonder what my sponsor thinks. She knows I'm LDS. I hope she believes me when I tell her I'm really not drunk, just drugged.

Speaking of my sponsor reminds me to update you all on my progress in CEA-HOW. It's been seven months now and I've lost a total of 82 lbs - 70 of it in CEA-HOW. I can't help bursting into song.... "Wonder of wonders miracles of miracles...." you get the idea. There is a woman in our group who has lost 152 lbs. since a year ago last march. She is looking really great - such an example to me. I should have lost all my weight and be on maintenance by this time next year. I have had to replace my whole wardrobe twice now. Good thing we have a good DI close by.

My trip to Los Angeles was good. I attended a lot of good lectures and ate great abstinent food the whole weekend. I had trouble walking so had to take a wheeled chair all through the airport both going and coming. I went to Dr. Brown to see what's wrong with my legs and my gait. He sent me to have several tests but it looks like just a case of needing to strengthen the muscles in my legs. I got the girls treadmill to help out and am going to go much slower this time so I don't trigger a fibro. flareup again.

I have been shopping for a new bedspread again. My white one finally literally got shredded on my side of the bed where I kneel on it to get up into bed. My efforts to shop around to get a good buy were exhausting and I couldn't find a real bedspread like they used to make when I was a girl so I went on line and found a company that made custom made bedspreads. The prices started at $1,200. for the less nice spread. The one I really wanted was about $1,700.
They were absolutely beautiful but way out of my price range.

So then I decided to make my own. Many more exhausting hours later I finally have what will be a less flashy bedspread but one that will look very nice and match the room as well. But I've put the bedspread on hold until I get Jan and Stacey's baby dresses made and Jan's friend's picture finished. They have been weighing my spirit down for much too long.

I finally have my bedroom all cleaned up except for the dresser, chest and my nightstand tops. That should take me about an hour or so to do tomorrow. It will be absolutely heavenly to go in there and have it looking beautiful again. And I won't be embarrassed anymore to have all the little grandchildren go in and hide their eyes on grandma's bed when we play the mailbox game.

Savanna Grace is just adorable, Stace. And I am serious when I say to call on me anytime you get in a bind with the kids and need some help. I would like to feel more needed and have a chance to serve more. Same goes for the rest of you. Call on me. The worst that could happen is I'll say no and whose afraid of that?

Janelle we need to take Kate out to breakfast. Is Saturday good for you/her? Let us know.

Love, Loves,

Mither

Our Vacation Was Great! Good Books, and Being Committed

We had so much fun!!! It went much too fast and I hardly spent any time at the beach (it was so cold and so windy it about blew us away and made the cold that much colder)

It was a little difficult trying to eat abstinent meals but everyone was so careful to help see that I had food I could eat that it went well for me. I made my pumpkin "pie" and it smelled delicious but tasted terrible. Too much Splenda I think.

We visited all the local sights including two lighthouses, the aquarium (which was amazing), the pools that are made on the beach when the tide goes out and we went to the Tillamook Cheese factory which wasn't local but was very interesting (we bought more cheese than we could eat in a month).... (we'll have to freeze some.) We also visited all the gift shops and a candy store (lots and lots of luscious candy so I bought some for Joe since I couldn't eat it) Turns out that he had been to that same store and bought himself some candy (we weren't together at the time I bought him the candy so I didn't know that he already had some.

The gift shops were richer by a considerable amount when we left them. The girls and I bought some light jackets that were made out of fleece and then a warmer jacket that had a warm lining and a windbreaker outer shell. I bought the small sizes of both jackets as they tended to run a little large. I should be able to wear them by next January or so. Janice tried them on for me so I could see how they would look on me when I reach my goal weight.

We hit a MAJOR traffic jam when were driving to the airport to fly home. It took us an hour to travel two miles. We were all stressed out about it because we didn't want to miss our flight but when we were about 3/4 of the way through the jam we got a call from the airline we were supposed to fly out on saying that the flight was an hour and a half late. We made it with some time to spare - MAJOR RELIEF.

After being cold all week in Oregon it felt really warm when we first got out of the airport that night.

All in all it was a lot of fun. I loved being with the girls and David's family. Annika and Mieka were little angels, never crying or being disagreeable the whole vacation. I never heard David or Melissa even raise their voices at the girls and no "time outs" either. How do they do it? I was a constant "Monster Mom" in comparison. (I know....I know.... I shouldn't compare but it's hard not to when you feel guilty and sorry you didn't do better with your kids. Anyway we enjoyed our time with them all.

I bought three book that got here today. One is a 900 page book "George Washington's Sacred Fire" that disproves the faith destroying teaching that he was a Deist. The other two are books by Hayek on the fatal effect of Socialism and it's ability to destroy America. Both of these books talk about the economic situation of our day as if he had lived in our time. He wrote the books around the 1950"s. He could see the beginning of the end even then.

Emilee made an arresting comment at our 4th of July celebration this month. We were talking about about the wealth and abundance we have in our lives and I made the comment that her children would grow up feeling "entitled" and she said her generation is the one that feels entitled. She thinks her children will grow up saying "remember what we used to have." That's sad commentary on what is happening in America now.

Our children and grandchildren will be the ones to pay for our lack of knowledge about sound economics and the terrible lack of fiscal responsibility in government today.

I leave for my CEA-HOW conference in Los Angeles on Friday. I am starting to get excited about the three day trip and not so scared about going without Joe. I lost another 7 lbs. this last 30 days. So now I weigh 227 lbs down from 292 lbs in January. I still have been granted the power to be disciplined in this program. I am so grateful for the grace of God in my life in this respect. There is an interesting thought from the AA Big Book that says "I can do for 12 hours (of this day) what would appall me if I thought I had to do it for a lifetime." That's the attitude I have to cultivate to stay committed to eating this way long term.

That's all for now,

Love to everyone, Mither

Every month, the 15th is like Christmas

I got to weigh myself yesterday for the 2nd time in my CEA-HOW program. I have lost 32 pounds total in 2 months. I also measured myself for the second time and have a total loss of five inches on my hips over the two months and a 7 inch loss overall this month (1" was off my bust :( don't have that much to lose there hence the frowny face)

I can actually see the loss on my hips after my shower when I look in the mirror. I saw a picture of my face last night from before all this and I was shocked. I looked like a pumpkin! I hadn't noticed the loss in my face before then.

I am still celebrating!!!

Cheers, Cheers, Cheers
Mither

Sponsoring, What A Joy!

I just have to write something about my new sponsee. She was one of the women who came to the OA meeting last Wed. and felt impressed with what I said about the CEA-HOW women who had lost 100 lbs. in the last year. She was so excited after Thursday night's CEA-HOW meeting that she asked me to be her sponsor on the spot. I met with her Friday afternoon and we talked for 2 hours about the program and what she needed to do to start. We had a 25 min. talk yesterday when she made the required call and today we talked for an hour. That was a little bit of a problem because it gave me 30 min. to get ready for church. (good thing I didn't have to wash my hair, blow it dry and curl it or I never would have made it)

My other sponsee and I talk every day for at least 15 or 20 min. She just moved here a month ago from Bear Lake and bought their retirement home in Orem. She is a diabetic and was on heavy doses of medication to control it. She had a severe sugar addiction and was into the sugar every morning and having to take medication early in the day to counteract the sugar she was eating. She was seriously depressed and hated herself for being so weak willed. She said she wanted to kill herself.

Somehow she heard about the Church's Addiction Recovery Program and came to the Monday noon meeting and heard me share about my incredible weight loss and how I knew it was the Lord doing the discipline for me. She reached across the end of the table at the end of the meeting and asked if she could join the group I was with. I was thrilled to tell her about CEA-HOW and when I found out that she was a diabetic I called another CEA-HOW woman, who had diabetes who happened to be there, over and got the two of them together. I didn't even stay to talk to her after that but she came to the next CEA-HOW meeting and was ready to start right then. I talked to her after the meeting and recommended strongly that she get a sponsor as soon as possible and she asked me to be her sponsor on the spot. I was excited to get my first sponsee just two days after I had become available. We have formed a close friendship in the three week since then. The really neat thing is that since she has been eating such a healthy diet she has been able to go off her medication completely! This program is a miracle! What blessing to have found it!

I can't wait to weigh myself in 10 days to see how much more I have lost.

I find that serving as a sponsor has been a joy. It's so fun to see these two women get so excited about the program.

Well, Love and Cheers,
Mither

Pumpkin Pie Disaster, Pancake Heaven

I got to thinking about the total failure of my sugarless pie making experience and realized that when I doubled the recipe I forgot to double the Splenda. I was thinking about it because I had called my sponsee to warn her about how terrible the pie tasted so that she wouldn't try to make it. She was surprised to say the least because she had already made the pie twice and loved it. She read me the recipe again to make sure I made it right and I thought I had. Neither of us could believe it was so bad for me and so good for her. I told her this morning what I suspected about leaving out the extra Splenda and we both felt sure that's what happened.

I'm going to make it again tomorrow for lunch and dinner. I don't dare make it today or I'll want some and that will make it hard for me since it isn't on my food plan today and I'd have to be tempted by the smell all night.

I'm leading the meeting tonight. It's a little different format than the OA meetings that I'm used to leading so I'm a little nervous. Also, I'm almost certain there will be four women that were newcomers to OA yesterday. After yesterday's meeting I told them all about CEA-HOW and the LDS 12 Step meetings and when I told them that there were three women in our CEA-HOW group that had lost 100 lbs in a year they all were very interested. They were so interested that they asked for the address of the meeting place and made it a point to drive by it on their way home. We should have an interesting "meeting after the meeting" tonight with them there.

I just thought of a recipe for blueberry and banana pancakes that is out of this world that you might like to try.

This makes two, very thick 4" pancakes. Just right for one person. I don't know how it would work if you double or tripled it but you should make it just for yourself sometime. It is like having dessert for breakfast.

1 egg

3 T oat bran

(yeah you have to buy it special but it comes in a package that would make 20 pancakes at 3 T a pop and a half a pancake would fill a little child) (Actually the package looks small compared to other hot cereal packages. It's about 6" high and3 1/2" wide and can be found in the baking section across the asile from the spices at Smith's)

1/2 banana

(I like more banana so I put in 2/3 banana - it could probably be made with a whole banana but I can't have that much on my diet unless I give up the blueberries.)

1/4 c blueberries

1/4 c cottage cheese

2 T syrup (sugarless of course - this is a diet pancake after all)

1 tsp butter

Mix together oat bran, egg and banana. Mash banana to make a thick batter. (I add 2 T water because I like it more like a batter than cookie dough) Fold in blueberries. Spread griddle with butter (you could use butter flavored Pam as well. I just like the real thing.) Cook on a hot griddle until the edges get a little crusty. Turn and cook a little longer until the center gets done. Top with cottage cheese and syrup.

This is Pancake Heaven. ENJOY!

Well, Onward and Upward Girls,

Mither

P.S. If my crustless "pumpkin pie" turns out I'll give the recipe here. It's actually more like a custard but you bake it in pie plates and serve it like pie, hence the name.

Disappointment

I had planned to go to the CEA-HOW conference last Thursday but had such a bad flareup of fibro. that I didn't dare go for fear of being sick while I was there. I was disappointed but it probably was for the best. I think trying to keep up with everyone in our group might have been too tiring and I would have been likely to have had a flareup while I was there. There were about 13 or 14 women from our meeting going. It would have been so much fun. As it turned out, after resting on my bed most of Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I had no pain Friday night at all. I could have gone with the group leaving on Friday if I had known the flareup was going to be over by then

This illness is so frustrating. I shouldn't complain, though. Even though I have really bad flareups, now, at least I'm not sick for 5 months afterwards like I was 5 or 6 years ago. Also, I've been able to serve both my missions without too much trouble.

As Ever,
Mither

Who would've thought....?

Well I finally got the painting done for Gayla (Jan's friend). It's been more than two years since I committed to do it. My lack of discipline is horrendous! (Just goes to show that I could never have done the CEA-HOW program unless Heavenly Father did the disciple part for me - what other part is there?) So, when I showed it to Janice she said there were some parts she didn't like and I said that I had lost the picture so I had to guess on the last part of it. But as we were talking the picture fell out of the back of the canvas. I could see how I could change it to make it look better so I'm not really done yet. I have made a commitment to a lady I know in CEA-HOW to have it done in a week. Don't ask me why that would work except that I don't want her to think badly of me. (I don't know why a commitment to her would work and not one to Janice - actually, I don't think I ever made one to Janice, maybe that's why.)

I am so thrilled with the discipline I'm experiencing. My high hopes, because of Heavenly Father, are higher than ever, now. I don't expect them to crash and burn, either, as they have done in the past. It's funny, I think I've prayed for help every time I've tried a diet or self-improvement program but didn't get it that He wanted to carry the whole load for me. How kind and thoughtful of Him. I think He wanted me to humble myself and admit that there are just some things I can't do at all.

I'm going to ask for the discipline to do my housework and laundry, now, as well. Since discipline has been such a HUGE part of my faults and sins, maybe this is the answer to all of them.

I've heard it said that God can make more of us than we can make of ourselves. This is such and epiphany. Who would've thought....?

Ever,

Mither