Short or Long?

I am tired this morning so this will be short.

I just want to tell everyone who has posted lately that I have tried to comment on all your blogs but my computer is not letting my comments go through. It keeps saying that there are "visual images" that I have to write but doesn't show the letters it wants me to reproduce. It's frustrating but at least I have gained some confidence on the computer compared to what it was like when I first started blogging.

I finally had a "slip" in my CEA-HOW program which means I didn't stay abstinent one day. The good news is that I was able to get right back on the program and didn't go on a binge or give up completely. The fact that I call my sponsor every day and go over my food with her helped me keep it in perspective.

I have been feeling very squirrely for the last week and a half as I was going over my character defects one at a time and writing about them. I noticed after doing this for 5 or 6 days that I was beginning to have very negative thoughts about myself, something I haven't struggled with for several years now. I finally saw the connection between doing my forth step (inventory of my character defects) and the negative thoughts. I talked it over with Joe and my sponsor (Carletta is her name) and decided it wasn't good for me to go about the inventory the way I was doing it, so I quit. I'm still having the negative thoughts. My sponsor said today that it was a form of pride - right - low end pride. I forgot about that. It has helped to be reminded. Anyway that's what lead to the slip.

We have gotten in to a discussion about how beating up on myself is a counterproductive way of dealing with guilt. There is a whole lot more to this discussion that I am writing about in my 12 Step journal so I won't repeat it all here. Suffice it to say that I still have a lot to learn about how guilt relates to humility and accepting myself as human/mortal and loving myself anyway.

This is shorter than my previous posts but is still longer than I had planned to write. More later.

As Ever,

Mither

Late Night, Again

It's 2:15 a.m. and I haven't been able to fall asleep yet tonight. Joe just came up (in the bonus room) and told me he forgot to put an Ambien in my pills for tonight. I'd say "Aarrgg"but it is so unlady-like so I am just biting my knuckles instead. My program on KSRR is this morning at 9:00 so I can't take a pill now or I won't be able to drive when it's time to go to the station.

I prayed that I would be calm and collected for the program. Under the circumstances I'll be lucky to be able to keep from falling asleep so calm won't even be an issue. It took me about three hours to prepare for this half hour show. I hope it goes well.

I mentioned going shopping for new clothes in my last entry. I did and found two beautiful blouses and two really nice long winter coats, one dressy and one casual. It's a good thing because when I tried on the short coat I got from Costco in front of a mirror it looked terrible. It's way too small. I may be able to wear it next winter but not this one.

I guess I can say, now, that Emilee's baby's name is Isobella. I think her middle name is Jennifer but I'm not sure about that. She has a whole head full of black hair and weighed in at right around 8 lbs. Savanna is only now reaching 8 lbs. and she is two months old. They are both "as cute as a bug's ear" as my Dad used to say. It'll be fun to have three little toddlers playing together once all three babies are around a year old. We found out that Michelle's baby is definitely and girl. She is due in December.

We celebrated Dannan and Mieka's birthdays today and everyone was there except Michael and Janelle who is in the hospital having a cancerous tumor removed from her colon. I wish it had occurred to me that I could have taken their girls one of the days Janelle was laid up. I am going to have to get used to thinking of ways I can serve my family now that the fibromyalgia is in remission.

Well, I think I'll go back to bed and see if I can get a couple of hours of sleep before I have to get up.

Cheers,

Mither

Good News Twice Over

I got to see and hold Emilee and Dan's new baby moments after she was born. I was somewhat frustrated because, through a series of misunderstandings on my part I had to finish eating my dinner in Emilee's room while everyone else got to hold and take pictures of the baby. Not only was I frustrated, I was embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Hmmm. It just occurred to me that I could have finished in the cafeteria and then gone up to the room. Didn't even cross my mind at the time. Now I feel foolish on top of feeling frustrated, embarrassed and uncomfortable. Oh well, The baby is darling but I don't want to steal any of Emilee's thunder by describing her or giving her name.

Good news.... Not as good as Emilee's but right up there with Christmas presents. You might have guessed from my reference to Christmas that I got to weigh again yesterday. Seven more lbs lost for a total of 77 lbs. Good news, again. I need to go to DI to buy new (used) clothes for work and more pants for everyday wear. This is getting more and more fun as I go. It's still hard to find pants that fit right. Always too big in the waist if they fit my hips. But the hips are smaller by 11 inches.

Can't help being THRILLED that Heavenly Father is doing the really hard part - the discipline. I needed the structure and the discipline this program calls for. The structure is the diet itself, and again, the discipline by Heavenly Father. There is no way I would have been successful on my own. I would have lasted 3 or 4 days and then lost enthusiasm and given up as I have done so many times before. (to say nothing of the fact that I wouldn't have been able to gag down all the vegetables that I really enjoy now - have enjoyed from day one.

Hey that's another thing that Heavenly Father is doing for me. Will miracles never cease, in my life? I think not! There is another one starting in my life right now. I'll let you guess. It may become obvious over the next few months. I should give a prize for the first one that guesses. Hmmm. I'll ponder on that one.


Melissa was aghast when she asked if this was the diet for the rest of my life and I intimated it was. But the truth is, it's only for today. I can do for 16 hours what would appall me if I thought I had to do it for the rest of my life. And that's the truth.

The best part about it all is that I've learned that God will do for me what I could never do for myself. All I had to do was ask. The asking was easy. So is all the rest.

Well it's 10 to 1:00 and my alarm is set for 5:00. Hope I can finally sleep.

Loves,

Mither

3:25 a.m. - Can't Sleep, Again

I have spent several hours in the dark, trying to go to sleep to no avail. At least, by getting up I can be productive by writing something about the past day.

I have been having symptoms of some kind of medical problem and today (yesterday, actually) I ended up in the emergency room at the hospital to get it checked out. I have been having mornings when I get up at 5:00 only to be so extremely tired that I can barely function. I can hardly keep my eyes open, I can't focus my thoughts, I feel disoriented. I can't carry on a normal conversation. My tongue feel as if it is an inch thick and my speech is slurred. I felt as if I had been given some sort of strong sleeping pill and can't snap out of it.

This happened occasionally at first and then with increasing frequency until this last weekend when it occurred Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Finally I called Dr Brown and when it told them the symptoms, they told me to go to the emergency room. I was in no shape to drive so I asked Stacey if she could drive me there and Joe would come and pick me up after they were through with me.

At the hospital they took me right back and ran several tests of my blood, etc. They even did a "Cat scan" but found nothing conclusive. The Doctor came in my room and talked to me about my medicines and suggested that there were two that could give me the symptoms I described. The main one he seem to think was the problem was Ambien, a strong sleeping pill that I have been taking for 12 years.

He suggested I try taking only half the dosage to see if the symptoms continued. When I talked to Janice and Emilee later in the day they said that maybe since I've lost so much weight the dosage is too high. So we cut down to 5 mg tonight and that may be why I can't get to sleep. I am going to try this for 4 days to see what happens. I hope I don't have a major flare up of fibromyalgia as a result as has happened the last two times I tried to go off.

So.... what else is new?

Well, I get to weigh myself on Wednesday. I am really looking forward to that. It's exciting to see how much I've lost each month.

Also, I've arranged to go on the radio on KSRR 1400 AM on the 27th of the month to talk about CEA-HOW and get the message out that we have a program, based on the 12 steps of
Alcoholics Anonymous that is wildly successful in losing weight, doesn't cost any money, and is the healthiest diet you could imagine. Also there is a marvelously strong support system to encourage you on in your efforts to lose weight or to gain it if you happen to be anorexic. It's for people who have any type of eating disorder

I am a little nervous about doing it for fear the symptoms of whatever is going on in my health might happen on the day I am supposed to go on the air. I have decided to ask one of the other people in our group to be ready to stand in for me if needed.

I'd really like to be the one to do it though because there are only three members of our group who have several years doing various 12 step programs and would be able to talk of how it works. I already asked one of them to do it but she is going to be out of town and I haven't yet reached the other one.

Anyway, I have been praying about this and am sure it will work out the best way. It cost me $125.00 and I am hopping to be reimbursed by the group donations, but if not it will still be worth it to me. I am willing to go to any length to do the 12th step which is sharing the message of recovery from compulsive eating to all who may want to try it.

My mission continues to go well. I am learning some of the things on the computer that would help me in dealing with a candidate but am still far from being able to do it by myself. I don't know if I will be able to do it before my mission ends on December 6th.

I am trying to reestablish the habit of getting up at 5:00 in the morning again but am finding it much harder than when I first started a year ago in August. I think once we get my sleep and feeling drugged problems worked out that it might be a little easier. We'll have to see.

Emilee is having her baby induced on Thursday. I am so happy for her. I am hoping to be of some help to her as she works herself into a routine after the baby is born. I don't think I mentioned that Adam and Stacey's baby girl, Savanna Grace was born last month. I have been able to help her out but only a few times so far. She hardly ever asks. Stacey, if you're reading this, I hope you'll feel better about asking and will do it more often. I may have to say no occasionally but don't let that stop you. I'd love to serve you in whatever way I can. Call on me.

Michelle is also expecting a baby in December. All three are having little girls. That is, Michelle's doctor thinks she is having a girl. They weren't certain but that's what they thought they saw when she had the ultra-sound.

Well that's all for now.

Loves to all,

Mither

Success Is So Fun

Here I Am At 3:10 In The Morning - HUMMM - I'd Rather
be Sleeping.

My life is incredibly wonderful! I'm loving it. I have been well and have had no symptoms of fibro. in 3-4 months. I have been going to my mission for 15 months now. I will be through in December. I've been putting out feelers for future missions, hopefully in the eating disorders meetings in the 12 Step program or in family support for the pornography group. Neither of those places would be dealing with drugs or alcohol so maybe the Church will let me serve there.

My CEA-HOW work continues to go well. I've lost *drum roll* 70 lbs. in 7 months. I get to weigh myself again in one week.

I've arranged to have a 1/2 hour program on KSRR (AM 1400) on the 27th of this month at 9:00 to 9:30 a.m. to discuss CEA-HOW and the wild success we all are having. I'm hoping we'll have several newcomers come to our meeting as a result of my "spreading the message" as required by Step 12. I'm a little nervous about it because I'm not as articulate as I used to be but I'm going forward anyway. I am making this a matter of prayer because I believe there are many women and men in this county who would love to be a part of this program if they only knew about it.

Compulsive eating is one character defect that is socially acceptable in our culture. You can still get a Temple recommend and be fat. So it's not considered a moral defect, but it certainly is a health issue We are destroying the temple - our body -, by our eating habits. We don't seem to have a way to lose weight permanently. But in CEA-HOW we are smashing the barriers and having incredible success.

I feel so much better just with 70 lbs. gone. I have had to buy a whole new wardrobe twice now. Thank heaven for D.I. and Savers. They are my favorite places to shop now. I'm only in clothes for about 3 months at a time, now, so I don't want to buy new, expensive clothes that I will only be wearing 3 months or so. I can get a whole wardrobe at D.I. or Savers for about $100.00. I have found several jackets and sweaters for winter. Finding pants that fit is still a little difficult but even that will get better as I lose weight. I also have found several skirts and one nice Sunday dress.

At Costco I found a cute winter coat that is just a little snug for only $50.00. It should fit me well when winter gets here.

Joe said last night that I was becoming very attractive as I lose weight.... Nice to hear :)
Well it's almost four 'o clock so I better hit the sack. I think I'll set my alarm for 6:00 instead of 5:00 this morning.

Wish me luck in getting a couple of hours of sleep before the alarm rings.

See Ya,

Loves to all,

Mither

Haven't written forever....sorry

My blog has been tied up for about 5 or 6 weeks now so I haven't been able to post anything nor have I been able to comment on anyone else's blog. Just so you'd know that I just didn't love you all anymore.... I am up at midnight again. Can't sleep and the Ambien is worthless. My nights and days have been mixed-up for a couple of weeks now making me unbelievably sleepy when I should go to church or to my mission. I am barely able to keep my eyes open long enough to call my sponsor or receive my sponsee's calls. Half the time I sound drunk, my tongue feels about an inch thick and I am barely coherent. I wonder what my sponsor thinks. She knows I'm LDS. I hope she believes me when I tell her I'm really not drunk, just drugged.

Speaking of my sponsor reminds me to update you all on my progress in CEA-HOW. It's been seven months now and I've lost a total of 82 lbs - 70 of it in CEA-HOW. I can't help bursting into song.... "Wonder of wonders miracles of miracles...." you get the idea. There is a woman in our group who has lost 152 lbs. since a year ago last march. She is looking really great - such an example to me. I should have lost all my weight and be on maintenance by this time next year. I have had to replace my whole wardrobe twice now. Good thing we have a good DI close by.

My trip to Los Angeles was good. I attended a lot of good lectures and ate great abstinent food the whole weekend. I had trouble walking so had to take a wheeled chair all through the airport both going and coming. I went to Dr. Brown to see what's wrong with my legs and my gait. He sent me to have several tests but it looks like just a case of needing to strengthen the muscles in my legs. I got the girls treadmill to help out and am going to go much slower this time so I don't trigger a fibro. flareup again.

I have been shopping for a new bedspread again. My white one finally literally got shredded on my side of the bed where I kneel on it to get up into bed. My efforts to shop around to get a good buy were exhausting and I couldn't find a real bedspread like they used to make when I was a girl so I went on line and found a company that made custom made bedspreads. The prices started at $1,200. for the less nice spread. The one I really wanted was about $1,700.
They were absolutely beautiful but way out of my price range.

So then I decided to make my own. Many more exhausting hours later I finally have what will be a less flashy bedspread but one that will look very nice and match the room as well. But I've put the bedspread on hold until I get Jan and Stacey's baby dresses made and Jan's friend's picture finished. They have been weighing my spirit down for much too long.

I finally have my bedroom all cleaned up except for the dresser, chest and my nightstand tops. That should take me about an hour or so to do tomorrow. It will be absolutely heavenly to go in there and have it looking beautiful again. And I won't be embarrassed anymore to have all the little grandchildren go in and hide their eyes on grandma's bed when we play the mailbox game.

Savanna Grace is just adorable, Stace. And I am serious when I say to call on me anytime you get in a bind with the kids and need some help. I would like to feel more needed and have a chance to serve more. Same goes for the rest of you. Call on me. The worst that could happen is I'll say no and whose afraid of that?

Janelle we need to take Kate out to breakfast. Is Saturday good for you/her? Let us know.

Love, Loves,

Mither

Our Vacation Was Great! Good Books, and Being Committed

We had so much fun!!! It went much too fast and I hardly spent any time at the beach (it was so cold and so windy it about blew us away and made the cold that much colder)

It was a little difficult trying to eat abstinent meals but everyone was so careful to help see that I had food I could eat that it went well for me. I made my pumpkin "pie" and it smelled delicious but tasted terrible. Too much Splenda I think.

We visited all the local sights including two lighthouses, the aquarium (which was amazing), the pools that are made on the beach when the tide goes out and we went to the Tillamook Cheese factory which wasn't local but was very interesting (we bought more cheese than we could eat in a month).... (we'll have to freeze some.) We also visited all the gift shops and a candy store (lots and lots of luscious candy so I bought some for Joe since I couldn't eat it) Turns out that he had been to that same store and bought himself some candy (we weren't together at the time I bought him the candy so I didn't know that he already had some.

The gift shops were richer by a considerable amount when we left them. The girls and I bought some light jackets that were made out of fleece and then a warmer jacket that had a warm lining and a windbreaker outer shell. I bought the small sizes of both jackets as they tended to run a little large. I should be able to wear them by next January or so. Janice tried them on for me so I could see how they would look on me when I reach my goal weight.

We hit a MAJOR traffic jam when were driving to the airport to fly home. It took us an hour to travel two miles. We were all stressed out about it because we didn't want to miss our flight but when we were about 3/4 of the way through the jam we got a call from the airline we were supposed to fly out on saying that the flight was an hour and a half late. We made it with some time to spare - MAJOR RELIEF.

After being cold all week in Oregon it felt really warm when we first got out of the airport that night.

All in all it was a lot of fun. I loved being with the girls and David's family. Annika and Mieka were little angels, never crying or being disagreeable the whole vacation. I never heard David or Melissa even raise their voices at the girls and no "time outs" either. How do they do it? I was a constant "Monster Mom" in comparison. (I know....I know.... I shouldn't compare but it's hard not to when you feel guilty and sorry you didn't do better with your kids. Anyway we enjoyed our time with them all.

I bought three book that got here today. One is a 900 page book "George Washington's Sacred Fire" that disproves the faith destroying teaching that he was a Deist. The other two are books by Hayek on the fatal effect of Socialism and it's ability to destroy America. Both of these books talk about the economic situation of our day as if he had lived in our time. He wrote the books around the 1950"s. He could see the beginning of the end even then.

Emilee made an arresting comment at our 4th of July celebration this month. We were talking about about the wealth and abundance we have in our lives and I made the comment that her children would grow up feeling "entitled" and she said her generation is the one that feels entitled. She thinks her children will grow up saying "remember what we used to have." That's sad commentary on what is happening in America now.

Our children and grandchildren will be the ones to pay for our lack of knowledge about sound economics and the terrible lack of fiscal responsibility in government today.

I leave for my CEA-HOW conference in Los Angeles on Friday. I am starting to get excited about the three day trip and not so scared about going without Joe. I lost another 7 lbs. this last 30 days. So now I weigh 227 lbs down from 292 lbs in January. I still have been granted the power to be disciplined in this program. I am so grateful for the grace of God in my life in this respect. There is an interesting thought from the AA Big Book that says "I can do for 12 hours (of this day) what would appall me if I thought I had to do it for a lifetime." That's the attitude I have to cultivate to stay committed to eating this way long term.

That's all for now,

Love to everyone, Mither